(Opinion)-June 26, 2023, was my grandmother’s 86th birthday party at our family’s house. It also was the day I was excommunicated from my church.
I remember vividly the incongruity of the happy voices and laughter at the party—and the dread I felt as I saw my phone light up with notifications of missed calls and text messages.
No! I screamed inside. Not another precious moment stolen away from me due to crisis and harm from the church.
I hid the phone from my view so I wouldn’t be distracted for the last hour I was playing hostess. We took family pictures. We ate birthday cake and laughed at the combination of my grandma’s sweet and candid comments.
Just two days earlier, we had received the results of the church investigation. It was an internal investigation performed by hand-selected church employees into our allegations of misconduct and harm done to several congregants.
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The investigation had dragged on month after month. The wait was agonizing.
Our emotions rode a roller coaster up to periods of optimism and hope only to plummet down to discouragement and despair
Finally, the results came, after we begged to make the roller coaster stop. With my husband Miguel’s anticipated travel for work, he asked that we receive the results together before he left me at home, 35 weeks pregnant and needing to care for our other four children.
The results were sent in a letter via email. The church leaders announced they had come to a different conclusion than ours. But there was no explanation of their interpretation—no answers to our robust spreadsheet where we outlined each concern, using as many specifics as possible. We had spent weeks on that document, attempting to convey the harm that was caused.
Now days after receiving those results, I grabbed my phone with my heart racing and insides shaking. While my sons got ready for bed, I read a text from a friend who had been harmed by the church.
“Our membership was paused,” the text read
Paused? Paused for what?
I raced to my inbox. Surely, we had a letter too.
And that we did. Except our membership had not been paused. Instead, it was a formal excommunication letter, signed by our church elders. Our membership had been revoked, with explicit instructions that we and our children were no longer welcome on church premises or at church-sponsored events.
“Can we call Daddy now?” my boys asked. Miguel had flown out to Texas the night before.
I looked up from my phone to see their little faces.
The shock was paralyzing.
“Yes. Let’s—call—Daddy,” I slowly answered, while trying to process what I was reading.
After Miguel finished answering sixty-two questions about where he was and what he could see out his hotel window, I told the boys it was time for bed. They started shuffling up to the attic and I quietly closed our bedroom door.
“So, we were excommunicated, huh?” I stated soberly.
”Excommunicated? I haven’t read it yet,” Miguel replied.
I don’t remember at what moment the tears started flowing, but I know that once they did there was no sense in muffling. The call with Miguel had to end and I needed to finish the bedtime routine with the boys, but the tears wouldn’t stop, and they couldn’t be hidden.
One by one the younger boys gathered in my door frame. Looking at their very pregnant mother, sobbing on her bed. I cringe that this has become a core memory for some of them.
“Did someone die, mom?” my eldest asked.
I couldn’t answer so I shook my head, “no.” No one had physically died, but it felt like it. I couldn’t bear to tell them what they had just lost or . . . who.
Perceiving the need for some privacy, my firstborn ushered his siblings back to their beds. He was aware of the stress we were under. He offered me a hug and lingered. I wasn’t strong enough to tell him and I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
Less than 24 hours after we received the excommunication letter, church leaders held an emergency meeting where they explained to the congregation the need to cut our young family off from the fold. It was just as much of a surprise to the congregation as it was to us—extreme punishment soiled in confusion.
In the days following, I received very little correspondence from anyone at church. And as fate would have it, my baby shower with many longtime church friends had been scheduled for that same week.
However, after the congregational meeting, the majority of the RSVPs quietly turned from yes to no, without so much as a comment.
I remember thinking it was as if, in a moment, the church burned down. The church, which tragically also included some of our closest family members, vanished from our lives in one, big, catastrophic moment.
This brought about a new reality where I no longer had access to church family and could not commit to another faith community.
For the first time in my life, I stopped visiting a church building every Sunday. The emotional, spiritual, and mental challenges were just too great. There was no brushing this under the rug or powering through.
Seven souls were impacted in seven different ways.
We needed to slow down.
Could God wait for us? Was He rolling His eyes at our inability to pick ourselves up off the floor? Was He even there?
Perhaps even more pressing was the response of the few Christians that remained in our lives. Would they be patient? Would they blame us? Would they accept us when our faith had fractured into something unrecognizable?
In one fell swoop, we were no longer like them.
Where did we belong?
Prior to this experience, I had self-righteously labeled nonchurch goers as unbelievers or undisciplined Christians.
However, after being thrust into the outskirts of the church-going tribe, I can more accurately see the people on the outside, especially those who wandered away hurting and filled with distrust.
Sexual, spiritual, physical, or emotional abuse from the leaders who preach holiness is devastating to one’s spirit. Extreme moral failures are happening daily in church leadership across the country, and yet we still judge anyone who sits at home on a Sunday morning.
Do you know why some of them choose to do that?
Because it’s safe.
Staying away from church feels safer than going for many people.
And guess what?
They wish that was not the case.
In this season of not belonging, I’ve experienced a conversion of sorts, a new perspective. Though it has been grueling, my eyes have been opened to a world of pain that I previously refused to take seriously. I know now that writing these wounded hearts off as bitter or claiming to have the greatest church in town doesn’t erase what happened to them. These responses don’t provide genuine care. And I’m very sorry to anyone I previously judged.
I’m on a new journey.
A journey to find healing for a wounded soul.
And I hope you’ll walk with me, and the many others like me.
The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of The Roys Report.
Amanda Diaz is a stay-at-home mom with five rambunctious sons. In addition to homeschooling for the past 10 years, she has worked in the church as an assistant and volunteer. This included cohosting her previous church’s Q & A YouTube Channel, alongside her former pastor.
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28 Responses
I have been a Christian since I was 19. I am now 70 and I am so very sorry for what her family has gone through. To be disenfranchised by church elders is one thing but by church friends and family as well??!!. I’m Canadian and I’ve never witnessed this. Granted we aew also a non Christian country and our country as secular.
The big church issues in Canada was the harm that occured to First Nations people thru residential schools and the other was a split that occured in Canada’s formerly largest Protestant church over ordination of homosexuals. Huge encompassing issues. So was totally understandable that many people turned away from church. But to have family members and friends reject this family. Again very sad and sorry.
What is this? This is not even an “opinion”; it’s a very emotional text, leaving the reader totally hanging in the air about what was the reason for this excomunication and every other detail that should be made known for anyone to even start to consider the question of whom to listen to! I hope we agree that there are severe biblical reasons for church discipline (look at all the scandals that are exposed on this very site nearly every day). Until you tell us, what has really happened that lead to the excomunication, we can not decide if we cry with you! Sorry.
Amanda is just sharing her story, she isn’t asking us to take sides. Why do you feel the need to withhold empathy until her “case” is fully adjudicated? Can you at least have compassion for her children?
I am so sorry too but more so that someone would be so selfish to respond in this way. In truth the details are none of our business. Jesus did not respond with accusations and inquisition’s. It does not matter how someone comes to be in need, only to recognize they are in need and be the hands and feet of Christ.
I am so very sorry this has happened to your family. The shunning and loss of community and fellowship are very painful. Jesus would never treat anyone like this.
Thank you, dear sister, for sharing this painful and relatable account. I have experienced similar treatment, except my husband is among those accusing and less officially excommunicating me. I wrote a song about this recently, due to pain I couldn’t express any other way: https://youtu.be/yyBWt3rLUP8?si=akghd9UTA7dZmr-k. Much love and healing and post-traumatic growth to you and all the mistreated members of Christ’s Body.
I appreciate the Roy reports stories and the accountability they provide. I feel this particular story unfortunately falls short. “…allegations of misconduct and harm done to several congregants.” I don’t doubt that the authors experience is real but having previously served for over 15 years as a leader, sometimes this type of vague allegation can simply mean, “I didn’t get the response I wanted.” I understand the abandonment this individual feels. We became church “covid orphans” as the place we served for over 20 years became something different over the course of 2020. At the end we realized that so many of our “friendships” were based on being within the walls. It has been a difficult loss in our lives.
Dear Amanda,
We have never met, but my heart aches, just reading this piece about your terrible experience with your church leadership. I have been a staff pastor for 42 years, (now a solo pastor in these days of so many church families getting smaller.) I was a volunteer before that, with the teens and the music. Nancy and I have 3 wonderful adult children, 8 grandchildren, and 2 more in Heaven. We hate it when anyone gets harmed/hurt/crushed by heavy-handed and non-accountable church “authorities”.
The fact that the elders did not answer/address your specific concerns is very alarming. I am so very sorry that they acted in such a manner. The fact that you and your husband spent a long time creating a spreadsheet with specifics speaks of a real effort at communication and attempting to bring clarity and specificity into this matter of raising concerns.
May God bless and help you, and give you a church family that is guided by a genuinely humble and gentle (approachable too) team of servant-leaders.
In Jesus our Lord,
Eric J. Hanson
You are an excellent writer, Amanda. Yet I am not sure in what direction that you are aiming your good (and heartbreaking) article. As an older man, I was ready to go to the ramparts to defend you and your husband and family.
But what WERE they accusing you of that demanded such a high price? Did you uncover gross sexual sins of the leadership that were somehow turned on you and your family? Was your documented spreadsheet that you spent so much time on put some or all the church leadership in such a bad light within in the community that they had to accuse you and family of wrongdoing?
I suppose I’m asking for the ‘plot’ to be more developed to include background so that I might specifically pray for the purps and all offenders as well as your family–the offended. The church is made up of flawed sinners whom Jesus died for.
My bottom line is that every one of us must individually face our Saviour individual per 2 Corinthians 5:10 known as our last stop before Heaven where many ‘faithful’ believers will experience tears of regret that they did not follow our Lord’s command in Matthew 6:19-20 and will enter eternity realizing that they should have treasured Christ and those He redeemed more on earth. I am so sorry for you loss. I am praying for you.
Thank you for sharing your story of abuse, Amanda. I’m so sorry and grieved for what you and your family have been through–and what you’ll now have to keep going through as you seek to heal. I winced and cried as I read (to myself), and choked up again, re-reading your words to my husband. Your experience mirrors ours in many ways. But I’m also proud of you for telling and advocating for truth; before the fire and now in it’s aftermath.
I quit going to church 4 years ago because of the ungodly behaviors of church leaders in America. The Independent Presbyterian church I attended while living in AZ was such a blessing with what seemed to be very godly leaders and congregants that moving back East and trying to find a church with the same fervency for Christ has been hard. However, I was born again at 16, have a 4 year degree in Christian education, have studied the Bible with the insight of the Holy Spirit for 56 years, and still love the Lord with all my heart. . .I just don’t love the country club we call church. Amanda, you are the temple of God. He said to King David, “What building can contain me?” You are one with the Lord! Live it! Enjoy the power of the Holy Spirit in you to serve the Lord! Starting with your family. Rejoice that you “have come out from among them” and will not “share in their plagues”.
Amanda, this is a very sobering read. I’m so sorry. I’m interested to know more about the investigation, the accusations and how they responded and replied after months of waiting? Can you please share more in another article? Ken
This is sad..But Jesus wants all Christians to rejoice..Matthew 5;3 Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are they that mourn. for they shall be comforted. 5 Blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth. ..
Rambunctious is pushing it were not that bad
I feel like there’s more to this. Are you suggesting mom exaggerates?
It would’ve been nice to know the background of this situation.
Hello Amanda,
I can feel your pain through your written word. I have been there but for a different reason. I see the church now as a building run by leaders who are not indwell with the Holy Spirit and lack of discernment. Unfortunately that goes for the congregation as well. The plandemic of 2020 opened my eyes to the lies and the truth and I have not been able to return. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope the very best for you and your loved ones as the Lord guides your families footsteps
I’m sorry to hear of your pain. I hope and pray you will find a new church family. You certainly were not excommunicated from the world wide family of God.
You really need some detail in this. I can’t understand what happened or why. Churches with quick church discipline are often most hypocritical. I wish people used more imagination in finding a parish. There has to be a place for you. You’ll never recreate the group you lost. It was a poison culture, it seems. You were sacrificed for the hypocrisy.
The hardest lessons to learn are these. I have not been to a church service in over 6 years now after figuring out that what we call church is not in the least Jesus’ church. We lock Him outside and he knocks. But it is not about his lordship. It is either about making a pastor King or ourselves King. Pastors do not serve Jesus they serve themselves and please either themselves or their sinful congregation. The fear of the Lord has been lost. I long for fellowship but cannot find it. Only those pretending to serve Jesus while they serve someone else. One very sad situation. This is why we are under God’s judgment. Hence the pandemic, and war in Europe and a soon coming civil war where Americans will slaughter each other. We really need to repent and turn back to the King and stop trying to serve other much lesser kings.
Some tips for your next church if you decide to go to a church.
1. Avoid becoming a member in an U.S. Evangelical church. (In this way they can never ex-communicate you in the future, they may ask you to leave but who cares!)
2. Try to maintain most of your friendships outside your local church. (So when there is a church split, scandal etc. etc. etc. you will still keep most of your friends)
3. Avoid asking difficult questions to leadership (Most church leadership cannot handle it, and will most likely turn on you).
4. Avoid going to an “Independent” Evangelical church that has less than 250 members. Weird stuff usually happens when there are few members in an independent church.
5. Try to find out difficult answers to the following questions for your next church:
– Was there ever a split at the church and the reasons why?
-Were Pastors/staff member recently fired and why?
-Is the church growing, if not why not?
-Is there transparency from church leadership regarding finances and decision making.
Amanda, I am so very sorry. I grieve with you.
This sentence! “I know now that writing these wounded hearts off as bitter or claiming to have the greatest church in town doesn’t erase what happened to them.”
I voluntarily left my long-time church a couple years ago due to leadership refusing to engage with me when I attempted to have a conversation about the predator-friendly polices in the church by-laws. I’ve been accused of being bitter. I’ve been invited to church by friends who assure me their church is different. Until those who haven’t been hurt by institutional church genuinely look at the harm some institutional churches have caused, the exodus will continue and the chasm between the churched and dechurched will growth that much bigger.
I am sincerely sorry for your loss and for what your family has gone through. Welcome to the club of castaways; this is a club none of us thought we would ever be a part. There are many stories of how we came to be cast away from our churches, but we all share something you wrote: “In one fell swoop, we were no longer like them.”
This is a phenomena I experienced in each evangelical church I was ever a part of over the course of 50+ years. If I was not in attendance, not one single “church friend” reached out to me. My experience is that “friendships” in American evangelical churches are highly conditional on being in attendance. If I am not in attendance, then any friendships I thought I had in that church were no longer.
It is probably no big deal in the big scheme of things, but conditional friendship is a fact of life in the American evangelical church. What would be nice is if evangelical churches would stop pretending that “all are welcome” and “come, just as you are” and “Jesus loves you and so do we.” The sentiments (and truth) of those statements do not translate into real life and actual experience.
Things seldom turn out well for whistle blowers; the costs are high. Sometimes those who do it know the costs, and for that they are courageous. Others may be naive about the costs, but blow the whistle out of conscience — to protect others. Please take time to listen to them.
To the author: I’m sorry for the losses you have endured.
To the commenters: Some of y’all are proving her point about how nasty the church is. She may need to write the article in this manner to protect her family or others. It’s already cost her a lot.
Rob, well said. I’ll add to other commenters asking for more: Although I immediately wanted in fairness to hear both sides and that this was a different article than the usual, one can at least infer from her heart-wrenching story lessons of how not to deal with those who are making reasonable appeals to correct wrongs in their church with the hope they do the right thing. Even if an investigation finds the claims unfounded or insufficient in evidence, you don’t flip on them to make them out as a “divider” or “liar” so you justify their removal. Plus the response of related friends who didn’t even want to know both sides is ridiculous. To those who have not experienced modern day shunning, it it is like a runaway train where the winner is the one with the most information and social clout to spread the narrative. It usually is over before you can even bring your case.
Churches can learn a lot if they start sending their leaders to customer service training. I know they will say “how dare you bring the business world into the church!” Well they do it better and you are not ashamed of that fact? You don’t shoot the ones trying to make thing’s better. You don’t treat them like the enemy. You’re missing out on what God may be revealing. Last time I checked, the gifts for the edification of the church does not differentiate between church leadership and laity.
To excommunicate without bringing the (willing) person before the congregation in open discussion is wrong.
Elders investigating an accusation against other elders is also unbiblical. When an accusation against an elder is brought it is before the entire congregation—not some closed door meeting.