Texas megachurch pastor Josh Howerton is facing strong backlash for advice he gave women for their wedding night that some say perpetuates “harmful” tropes about women and sex.
Howerton, senior pastor of Lakepointe Church, a bautista del sur multi-site church, said at the beginning of a sermon he preached in late February that just as women dream about their wedding day, men dream about their wedding night. He offered a “gold nugget of advice” for those who missed a marriage conference the Dallas megachurch had just hosted.
“She got her first wedding magazine when she was 14,” he said. “When it comes to that day, just stand where she tells you to stand, wear what she tells you to wear, and do what she tells you to do. You’ll make her the happiest woman of the world.”
He said someone in the congregation gave an “amen,” but wondered if people would “amen” his next words.
“Now ladies, when it comes to his wedding night, he has been planning this day his whole life,” he said. “So just stand where he tells you to stand, wear what he tells you to wear, and do what he tells you to do. And you’re gonna make him the happiest man in the world.”
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But Howerton’s advice propagates the harmful idea that women are obligated to give sex to their husbands and support the tropes that women don’t have libidos, marriage and dating author Sheila Gregoire told The Roys Report (TRR).
“The assumption that she is basically supposed to act like a sex blowup doll, like he gets to direct her as if he’s a porn director, that’s so entirely problematic,” Gregoire said.
Howerton didn’t immediately return TRR call and email sent to his church.
When Gregoire posted a clip of his sermon on X, hundreds responded, criticizing Howerton’s advice.
“I assumed this was from a marriage conference . . . but it was a SUNDAY MORNING SERMON,” wrote an X account called No Eden Elsewhere. “Good heavens how completely inappropriate, misogynistic & just plain awful.”
I assumed this was from a marriage conference…but it was a SUNDAY MORNING SERMON. Good heavens how completely inappropriate, misogynistic & just plain awful.
— No Eden Elsewhere (@noedenelsewhere) March 28, 2024
Irina Martin called it “sexual entitlement” on her X account.
“Sexual entitlement runs deep in our version of Christianity,” she wrote. “It has nothing to do with Jesus or His teachings. What a terrible witness to the world and damage to Christ’s body.”
On X, Howerton responded to the criticism by saying it was meant to be a joke, not advice. And he accused Gregoire of “selectively” editing it.
“The person who originally posted this took an old preacher joke about marriage, edited out the comment immediately before aimed at men, and then very conveniently ended the clip before it’s made clear it’s part of a joke,” he wrote. “Then they deceitfully presented it as my ‘advice to women’ where if all you saw was the quote or the clip they selectively edited, you don’t know it was half of a joke, not ‘advice.’”
Though this part of the sermon was met with laughter and clapping, Howerton introduced it as a “gift” meant for those who may soon be getting married.
“So for the people who missed marriage night, if you missed it, and what I heard was like. . . ‘Could you just give a little something if like, we’re not married yet and I’m headed towards marriage,’” he said. “Okay, I’m gonna do that right now. This is a gold nugget of advice I was given by a mentor.”
Many on X didn’t buy Howerton’s claims that it was just a joke.
“It was tone deaf and unfunny,” wrote Kaeley Triller Harms on X. “Sometimes it’s ok to just apologize and grow.”
On Gregoire’s podcast last week, titled “Why Evangelical Honeymoons Go So Wrong,” Gregoire and therapist Jay Stringer discussed Howerton’s sermon. Stringer suggested doing a “biopsy” on the entitlement this gives men in their marriages.
“It’s just one of those messages where I want to just shake my head and dismiss it as if this is just an isolated incident,” Stringer said on the podcast. “But you and I get these messages all the time. And this is just one microcosm of many that keeps a very harmful and underdeveloped message about sex operating in our world.”
Gregoire told TRR that Howerton’s comments, even if made jokingly, still normalize common tropes in evangelical circles.
“You’re still normalizing sex being for the guys and her being nothing on the wedding night, just there to serve him,” she said. “She isn’t centered, he is. That starts sex so badly for so many people and often they never recover.”
Gregoire’s research, published in her book, “The Great Sex Rescue,” said that a main reason why evangelical women are more than twice as likely as the general population to experience sexual pain disorders is that they’ve internalized these kinds of messages about obligation sex. Another reason is Christians are taught not to focus on their wives’ arousal.
“The reason that evangelical women’s libidos are artificially lowered is because we start sex really badly,” she said. “Then we just think that she’s broken.”
Howerton’s comments are part of a bigger problem, Gregoire said. Evangelical pastors who don’t have training in sex therapy and aren’t researchers may give advice that hurts marriages.
“A lot of pastors think they are experts and they are not,” she said. “The whole reason that we are in the problems that we are in in the evangelical church with regards to sex and marriage advice is that we have left it up to pastors. They’re the ones largely writing our bestsellers when they have no qualifications to do this. . . Just preach the Bible. That’s what you were trained in.”
This isn’t the first time Gregoire has publicly criticized Howerton. In 2022, she called him out for plagiarizing Andy Stanley, Steven Furtick, Rick Warren, and Mark Driscoll. Also, Lakepointe Church made headlines last month when a church youth volunteer was arrested and charged with sexually assaulting a child.
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He’s a Southern Baptist pastor, so what did you expect? SBC doctrine and official statements subordinate females to males and wives to husbands.
A megachurch pastor would be the last person from whom I would seek marital counsel. For anyone who need specific counsel, you are best off going to someone experienced in pastoral care or to a Christian therapist experienced in marital and family counseling. Of course, this may be a church that practices so-called “biblical counseling” and views therapy as an evil. In that case, it’s best to move on to a congregation where Christ is honored and pastors understand their limits when it comes to mental health.
Just like that other church, the Church of Scientology.
RESPECTFULLY: While I would never say anything like that myself, people really do need to calm down and stop projecting things the – temporarily unwise – person did not actually say.
Welcome to the Offended States of America; where anything we say can be used as material to trigger ourselves into an accusatory mode.
FACT: Preaching on marriage is very appropriate on any day of the week, including Sundays.
Preaching that a woman should be treated like a sex doll on her wedding night should never be appropriate.
As someone who searched for companionship but never found it:
There can be no companionship possible with a sex doll.
Just as there can be no companionship with a walking Jack Chick tract (as I found out wasting money on Christian dating services).
This guy just combines the two.
Respectfully, this is something my narcissistic brother in law would say. It gives him carte blanche to say whatever he wants. He cares not a wit that he deeply insults others. and controls them through gaslighting. He makes them the problem.
While he intends to harm others, some say insulting & harmful things because of unethical belief systems. and some because they lack awareness.
in the end, intention doesn’t matter. what matters is the consequences of one’s words which are borne by others.
of course not everyone cares about such things.
“ FACT: Preaching on marriage is very appropriate on any day of the week, including Sundays.”
Except in my twenty-five years as both a pastor and a therapist. The majority of pastors I know have terrible marriages themselves and are preaching from head knowledge gained from books, podcasts, and the “wisdom” of other pastors with crappy marriages.
a case of “two wrongs don’t make a right” ; 1. Howerton’s “joke” (?) is SO innapropriate, on SO many levels, it really questions whether he ought to be in the pulpit at all (I would say “NO!”)…human sexuality has that dual potential to lovingly unite, or to devastatingly destroy a couple/man/woman/marriage/family….and one “false slip” of the tongue (we with Howerton), can do MUCH damage, and NOT easily restored/remedied (if at all)…wow! And he is married?? LORD have mercy…. 2. as for Gregoire, her “pastors-ought-not-to-be-marriage-counsellors” rant, equals the opposite error….the old “all-cops-are-bad” canard, where a majority is condemned/discounted, based upon the actions of a few….pastors who are properly trained, DO recieve psychological/counselling instruction at College/Seminary; and, if truly called by God, He bestows upon them (and his Elders) “wisdom from above” (James 3:17, 18), which combines the training received, + the life/experience lived, to facilitate that “godly counsel” (Ps. 37:30-40) expected and DEMANDED, of the Pastoral office….
One of my previous pastors gave grace-filled, gospel-based sermons on marriage, but would not do marriage counseling because, frankly, he knew it was not his gifting or training. He would refer couples with serious problems to a network of licensed Christian counselors in the area. His denomination, like many others, did not require a seminary degree, and some seminaries only require one course in counseling. The “wisdom from above” requires humility to know when you are out of your element. One hundred years ago, you might have had a GP do your appendectomy because he was probably the only option. Today, you would have access to a qualified surgeon. One hundred years ago, the pastor was reasonably your best source for marriage advice. Today, skilled counselors (and better yet, guided by the Spirit) have research-backed techniques that can provide godly guidance. If you have a serious problem, why would you seek out someone with less to offer?
The Greek word for sin is hamartia, meaning “missing the mark.” Josh Howerton missed the mark. He needs to repent publicly. If he does, I guarantee you that Sheila Gregoire will commend him. I’ve seen her do it.
I appreciated your comment.
What does “gospel-based sermons on marriage” mean?
I’ve seen “gospel-” added to a zillion words. These are things people have dreamed up:
“Gospel-speaking”, “Gospel-walking”, “Gospel-food”, “Gospel-cooking”, “Gospel-brunch”, “Gospel-hiking”, “the Gospel-Hump-Loop-Trail”, “Gospel math”, “Gospel dresses”, “Gospel hair”, “Gospel taco”, “Gospel gardening”, “Gospel laundry”, “Gospel bike”, “Gospel cycling”,
I’m wondering what the difference is between a regular taco and a Gospel taco. And it turns out God is not pleased with my laundry processes because apparently there’s some kind of thing you have to do to make it Gospel laundry.
What makes a sermon on marriage ‘gospel-based’, as opposed “not Gospel-based”?
I’m truly perplexed.
You forgot to add the ™ symbol next to Gospel ™.
If you go read Gregoire’s work, you’ll see that her complaint is pastors who do not have any special training in marriage therapy and counseling feeling like they need to go into great detail in their sermons or using their own marriages as examples. This often ends up very awkward and inappropriate in relation to the wife. If you care to go down that trail a bit, you’ll see that his video work in regards to marriage is pretty awful. Take a look at her book if you’d like actual research-based evidence of the harms some of these “jokes” have on women and marriages.
Haha! I agree with you Gene. Why do they feel the need to be quasi worldly?
Being boring or extra can’t be the only two choices.
Is it that “they will want their ears tickled” cause that’s what they’ll grow accustomed to, or is it offered cause they think that’s all they’ll accept?
Yeah, marriage is important enough to be part of any Christian teaching.
But, if you’re gonna insinuate the wedding for her, and sex for him, and everybody’s happy, you’d better teach about divorce too.
The desire to be offended is a national obsession. So nobody should hear such things without taking offense? Really? The percentage of couples who haven’t already experienced sexual intimacy, isn’t high. Therefore, a joke (even a bad one) isn’t likely to make sexual victims out of innocent girls. Christianity protects and honors women and children. If abuse is allowed, it’s because the word of God is being ignored or perverted. The Holy Spirit leads us towards the maximum level of fulfillment for all. That doesn’t make us all the same. Each sex has its own roles and responsibilities. Modern wokeness, doesn’t trump biblical truth. Ever.
The reality that ministries like those of Julie Roys and Sheila Gregoire (and Natalie Hoffman and Sarah McDugal and Gretchen Baskerville and Leslie Vernick and GRACE and Give Her Wings, etc, etc, etc) exist sends a glaring message that if Christians are to protect and honor women and children, today’s version of evangelical Christianity has sorely missed the mark. Why do evangelical and former/post/past evangelical women need a thriving cottage industry to tend to the wounds they suffered at the hands of the church and those who claim Christ? If the word of God has been rightly presented by modern evangelicalism, in that it protects and honors women and children, then why are all these organizations and ministries necessary?
There is something seriously lacking emotionally in a man if he’ll initiate sex with a woman who is not aroused and as willing (or more willing) than he is. The problem today is that the world and “experts” steeped in its wisdom (earthy, sensual, devlish) instruct women that they have a right to make their favor and affection unattainable. Women DO INDEED have that right…UNTIL they say “I DO!” After that, there is a constant expectation by God for her to make peace, and not build an impregnable brick fortress around her heart. In this case, the “expert” advises the wife to directly disobey the three direct commands of I Corinthians 7:3, 4, & 5. What fury of Hell comes against a preacher for SUGGESTING that a woman ought to let the husband that she chose to covenant to, be the head and be in charge in the most central place of his home and family, his bed. Julie, I appreciate your work, but I wonder sometimes if you have not become jaded and hate all men. We are the only ones going to protect you from a very well-established plan, whereby all native and Latina women of our continent will be wives to Chinese soldiers…white, black, and other women will likewise be moved into their new home…the brothel.
What are you protecting us from?
Those verses you mention also clearly state that the husband is to do LIKEWISE. It is called mutual submission. Your last comment is right out of the xenophobic stereotypes of the so-called “Yellow Peril” and replacement theory conspiracy nonsense.
Wow. Racist, xenophobic and sexist all in one paranoid, delusional comment. Congrats, pastor.
You’re a PASTOR?
Please, folks, do not attend this man’s church. None of this has anything to do with Jesus or God’s Word
“the wife to directly disobey the three direct commands of I Corinthians 7:3, 4, & 5.”
Paul does not have the authority to give commands, that is God’s, and HIS Son’s authority. Anything a fallen man/woman preaches that runs counter to their authority is to be disregarded. 99.98% of all churches in the US preach the doctrine of Paul’s words, not God’s Commandments, or Jesus’ ministry, and we are seeing the fruits of these false ministries. How do you justify preaching the words of a man, who Jesus never mentioned would be coming to reveal a “mystery” gospel, over the Son of God?
Jesus warned us once He ascended, no one would see Him until His return, the Holy Spirit would be our guide from that point forward, that we are not to believe anyone that comes after Him claiming to see Him in the wilderness or a room, yet very quickly Paul shows up claiming the very thing Jesus warns us of, and that is who the church follows.
Even if this was a joke, it was disgusting and inappropriate. If Howerton received (and learned from) any quality counseling training he would’ve refrained from using the “joke” knowing how harmful it is, or would’ve at least apologized for any damage it caused. It’s par-for-the-course though, for the SBC and for mega-church pastors in general.
I agree with Gregoire’s take on it. I wish pastors would “stay in their lane.” The title “pastor” doesn’t mean you are a qualified “counselor” and worse….it doesn’t even seem to mean you’re much of a pastor, at least in the world of celebrity/mega-evangelicalism.
Since this was during a church service, I can only assume that impressionable young minds (children / teenagers) were also sitting in the pews, which could make for some uncomfortable moments after the service, when families are back home and the kids say: “Mom, Dad, what did Pastor Howerton mean when he said _________ ?”
This nonsense is going to keep happening as long as some churches keep looking for that entertaining, edgy, attractive (whatever), wise cracking, in your face pastor with a massive ego and a speak first and think later mentality. It’s the price church administration pay when they look for the star pastor, who will create large numbers and larger tithes. That goal will put blinders on the search committee to any possible red flags. Look at all the churches with pastors in a mess, who had clear and documented histories. We are in a crisis across this nation and Satan is loving every minute of it.
“This nonsense is going to keep happening as long as some churches keep looking for that entertaining, edgy, attractive (whatever), wise cracking, in your face pastor with a massive ego and a speak first and think later mentality.”
This is going to continue because their foundation is in Paul, not Jesus, or God’s Commandments. Thus the church leaders now claim we are no longer under the Law (counter to what Jesus taught), and any sin we commit is automatically forgiven, without repentance. I have visited several churches over the past year, and not one of them will preach out of MMLJ, are afraid to offend anyone with the commandments, lest they are called a name or lose revenue.
Don’t bother leaving comments here mildly critical of the Roys Report or noting that violations of the “thoughtful and respectful dialogue” are present. They won’t be approved for publication. More evidence of what TRR has become in recent months.
We have actually approved three critical comments by you, and this is the fourth. I’m not sure why you posted this false claim. But I am curious why all you post is criticism?
Josh Howerton ignores the large and growing numbers of us who have not, and will never have, a wedding night. I always wanted to be married, but am now in my 40’s without the spouse and children I dreamed of. Marriage (and parenting) sermons have zero relevance to my life and do not meet my spiritual needs.
When I read my Bible, it’s Christ, not marriage and parenting focused. A large chunk of it was written, and is about, single childless people. The Bible makes it crystal clear that singleness and childlessness are equal callings to marriage and parenthood, and that we and our needs matter. It also makes it crystal clear that sexual purity-in and out of marriage- is mandatory in the life of a Christian.
It’s time for the church to ditch the sermon and return to the New Testament model in 1 Cor 14:26-33 of everyone in the church sharing and prophesying so that everyone learns and is encouraged. Another benefit is that such a model discourages false, harmful teaching like that which came out Josh Howerton’s mouth.
Sometimes people get a little too excited. it was just a sermon illustration that fell flat and probably should never have been shared.
I think it’s usually a good practice for a pastor to have a trusted person read through the sermon and offer feedback before it is preached.
But sometimes pastors say things that come into their head right when they’re speaking, and sometimes those comments are not properly vetted and checked and then the pastor regrets that they said those things.
I bet there’s not a pastor alive who hasn’t had a moment like that.
I’m not a huge fan of seeker sensitive preaching per se, but I have a lot of sympathy for other pastors, unless it is obvious and regularly apparent that they shouldn’t be in ministry.
The problem with that argument is that he apparently already tried that joke a few years earlier and did receive pushback from women concerned about women who had been raped or assaulted hearing this from the pulpit. So two strikes?
In his argument, he is missing a reasonable assumption at the start – that although the aspects of the wedding are important to the bride, she likely is motivated to make it the best not just for herself but for her groom. Thus, the mutuality is missed from the start and doesn’t carry over into the wedding night advice. But I concur with many others opinion here, that Christian wisdom these days has compartmentalized marital roles and blessings. Differences in leadership responsibility does not alter a husband’s responsibility to care for his wife in ALL situations – it is the very definition of his leadership (1 Pet 3:7) And that is what has flawed this advice and others like it.
no woman needs a man to lead her. we’re all responsible adults here.
Who said anything about need?
It shouldn’t surprise Christian’s anywhere that Howerton is being attacked. Satan will attack those that preach the Bible and the truth about Jesus Christ by any means possible. We must stay vigilant and aware or Satan will use you to promote his agenda against Jesus. He’s obviously using some here. Stay vigilant, people.